- "I'm as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs."- If this one doesn't make perfect sense, allow me to explain. The rocking chairs would smash the cat's tail, thus the cat in question would be a neurotic mess in a room filled with the Devil chairs.
- "It's rainin' harder than a cow peeing on a flat rock."- This is my personal favorite, and I use it as often as possible. It has a classical poetic quality that makes it timeless.
- "I'm fixin' to."- I'd be willing to say that Fixin' is the state verb of Texas. It has no real definition, but every true native Texan has uttered this phrase. Loosely translated, Fixin' means "about to".
- "Drunker than Cooter Brown."- This is a bit of an older expression, but that doesn't make it any less great. It's a fancy way of saying someone got plastered. I love it because it has the word cooter in it.
- "I'm as bored as a stripper in a nursing home."- I first heard this gem from one of my cousins and it stuck with me ever since. The quote is pretty self-explanatory and I encourage you to use it.
- "It's hotter than Hell's playground."- Another treasure from my cousin, this expression is all too true in Texas, where temperatures can easily top 100. I use this saying at least 5 times a day during the summer months.
- "You'd argue with a signpost and kick it for not arguing back."- I'm not sure if this expression is strictly Southern, but it fits, so it's on my list. This was frequently heard spewing from my mother's lips in reference to me. I have to say, the woman was right.
- "Movin' slower than molasses on a cold morning."- This is another older expression, but I use it constantly, usually in reference to my dad, who hasn't gotten in a rush in about 15 years.
- "Shittin' like a pet coon."- I've never heard this crown jewel outside of my own family, so I'm assuming that it may be a Denny family secret (was a secret). This tidbit came from my father who, as a youth, had a pet raccoon. And as you may have gathered, the raccoon empty his bowels in a most unpleasant fashion, thus creating the most classic of the Texan expressions.
- "I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry."- A.K.A. I'm going to beat the hell out of you and you have no way to stop me. Both of my parents would fling these warm words at me when I was misbehaving (which was never).
- "What's that got to do with the price of onions in Guatemala?"- Basically meaning, what's that got to do with the current subject at hand.
- "I'm busier than a one-armed whore on hand-job day." I had a friend say that to me once, and I almost snorted sweet tea out of my nose. The accuracy of the expression is incredible.
- "Busier than a one-armed paper hanger."- This is an ancient variant of the aforementioned saying about the one-armed whore. This one is better used if you find yourself in mixed company and the one-armed whore is off limits.
- 'I'm gonna shit in your cantaloupe patch."- Well, um, yeah, basically means I'm going to rock your world, in a bad way. Let's move on.
- "His asshole's puckered inside out."- That was a phrase often used by my dear mother to describe a cheapskate.
- "I gotta piss like a Georgia racehorse."- I hear this almost daily from my dad. "Why does the racehorse has to be from Georgia?" you ask. I've spent 20 years asking myself the same question.
- "They're shittin' in high cotton now."- Meaning someone is now pretty fancy.
- "They were on me like white on rice."- Yeah, I'll let you draw your own conclusions for that one.
- "He's as weird as a $2 bill."- Being as the fact that I've only seen one $2 bill in my 20 years of existence, I'm guessing the person is an odd duck.
- "Actin' like a bull in a china shop."- Meaning you're being extremely clumsy and reckless and if you don't straighten up you can go pick a switch.
- "He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey."- My mother liked using that one when describing someone she thought was full of it. Mouth of a poet, my mother.
- "Mean as a den of rattlesnakes."- This Texan expression is a frequent of mine when describing the rising of my sister in the morning. I'd rather wake up the rattlesnakes.
- "He's dumb as a box of rocks."- Basically, the kid who's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
- "I'll knock you into tomorrow."- This was a term of endearment used by my dad when one of the kids was acting like a fool. Not to shame my dad, but I've yet to see him complete this feat.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Texan Expressions
Hey y'all, I'm back and ready with my new post. As was mentioned in my original post, I'm from Texas. Now if you met me for just a few moments, it's not obvious that I'm from the South. With my aversion to Wranglers and cowboy boots, new age country music, and my lack of an accent, my Southern roots aren't entirely obvious. Only the fact that ma'am/sir, y'all, and a hilarious assortment of colorful Texan expressions show where my heritage lies. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride as I take y'all through some of the best Texan/Southern expressions.
Labels:
Expressions,
funny,
Southern,
Texan,
Texas
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
My Papaw was famous for these. We refer to them as “Papawisms”. My personal favorite:
ReplyDelete“I’m busier than a cat coverin up shit in the middle of 225 at 5 o’clock”
I’m sure it’s interchangeable with whatever busy highway one lives by.
LaPorte orDeer Park,yeah we Texans can come up with sayings that even other Southerners don't savvy! I've worked down 'ere off 225 way back in the '70s way before it was a freeway. Seems like a coons age since then.Take care and GOD bless!
DeleteSorry to bust your bubble but "the term shittin like a pet coon" probably did not originate from your family . My Grandfather used that term often and i still do at times. Im glad you had it on here though my TEXAS roots grow long and deep. Thank you for posting i was as happy as a pig in shit to read these
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother used to say "shittin like a pet coon" a lot when I was younger. OMG! I miss her.
DeleteI believe the phrase originally was "Shi_ing like a tied coon". My father told me the expression was one he learned from his father (born in 1885) who said it stemmed from coon hunters of the period who, when not hunting coons conventionally with their dogs who would tree them, but rather when coon hunters used to gather together with their dogs and compete to see who had the best coon dog. He said they would go to a pond and tie a coon to a log, then float the log out into the middle of the pond and then send one of the coon dogs into the pond to go get that coon and there would be quite a fight ensue. Often leading the coon, without an escape, to defecate himself. That's how the phrase was introduced to me in NW Alabama.
DeleteDon't kick a sleeping porch dog,it may bite
ReplyDeleteAlso "Fixin to" can be shortened to "Fid'na" for those of you needing to drop as many syllables as possible. Brevity being the soul of wit and all.
ReplyDeleteFound someone else who says “Shittin’ like a pet coon” 🤣
ReplyDeleteLol I just google Shitting like a pet coon because I was told it's not a real saying. I grew up hearing it all the time. Needless to say I won the bet.
DeleteMy favorite twist on the one-armed paper hanger: “I’m busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest”. Great visual if you think about it!
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather from Arkansas always said, "Shitting like a tied coon" still don't understand that one.
ReplyDeleteMe, either, but we used it a lot in KY.
DeleteI believe the phrase originally was "Shi_ing like a tied coon". My father told me the expression was one he learned from his father (born in 1885) who said it stemmed from coon hunters of the period who, when not hunting coons conventionally with their dogs who would tree them, but rather when coon hunters used to gather together with their dogs and compete to see who had the best coon dog. He said they would go to a pond and tie a coon to a log, then float the log out into the middle of the pond and then send one of the coon dogs into the pond to go get that coon and there would be quite a fight ensue. Often leading the coon, without an escape, to defecate himself. That's how the phrase was introduced to me in NW Alabama.
DeleteLol that's how it was used in my family too
ReplyDeleteShittin like a tied coon
Delete"Shittin like a per Coon" been a part of my vocabulary forever. 5th or 6th Generation Texan
ReplyDeleteGetting fucked like a tied up goat in down town Tulsa on Saturday night
ReplyDeleteMy Arkansas hubs would say, "Fartin' like a Pet Coon".
ReplyDelete