Texan Expressions

Hey y'all, I'm back and ready with my new post. As was mentioned in my original post, I'm from Texas. Now if you met me for just a few moments, it's not obvious that I'm from the South. With my aversion to Wranglers and cowboy boots, new age country music, and my lack of an accent, my Southern roots aren't entirely obvious. Only the fact that ma'am/sir, y'all, and a hilarious assortment of colorful Texan expressions show where my heritage lies. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride as I take y'all through some of the best Texan/Southern expressions.

• "I'm as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs."- If this one doesn't make perfect sense, allow me to explain. The rocking chairs would smash the cat's tail, thus the cat in question would be a neurotic mess in a room filled with the Devil chairs.
• "It's rainin' harder than a cow peeing on a flat rock."- This is my personal favorite, and I use it as often as possible. It has a classical poetic quality that makes it timeless.
• "I'm fixin' to."- I'd be willing to say that Fixin' is the state verb of Texas. It has no real definition, but every true native Texan has uttered this phrase. Loosely translated, Fixin' means "about to".
• "Drunker than Cooter Brown."- This is a bit of an older expression, but that doesn't make it any less great. It's a fancy way of saying someone got plastered. I love it because it has the word cooter in it.
• "I'm as bored as a stripper in a nursing home."- I first heard this gem from one of my cousins and it stuck with me ever since. The quote is pretty self-explanatory and I encourage you to use it.
• "It's hotter than Hell's playground."- Another treasure from my cousin, this expression is all too true in Texas, where temperatures can easily top 100. I use this saying at least 5 times a day during the summer months.
• "You'd argue with a signpost and kick it for not arguing back."- I'm not sure if this expression is strictly Southern, but it fits, so it's on my list. This was frequently heard spewing from my mother's lips in reference to me. I have to say, the woman was right.
• "Movin' slower than molasses on a cold morning."- This is another older expression, but I use it constantly, usually in reference to my dad, who hasn't gotten in a rush in about 15 years.
• "Shittin' like a pet coon."- I've never heard this crown jewel outside of my own family, so I'm assuming that it may be a Denny family secret (was a secret). This tidbit came from my father who, as a youth, had a pet raccoon. And as you may have gathered, the raccoon empty his bowels in a most unpleasant fashion, thus creating the most classic of the Texan expressions.
• "I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry."- A.K.A. I'm going to beat the hell out of you and you have no way to stop me. Both of my parents would fling these warm words at me when I was misbehaving (which was never).
• "What's that got to do with the price of onions in Guatemala?"- Basically meaning, what's that got to do with the current subject at hand.
• "I'm busier than a one-armed whore on hand-job day." I had a friend say that to me once, and I almost snorted sweet tea out of my nose. The accuracy of the expression is incredible.
• "Busier than a one-armed paper hanger."- This is an ancient variant of the aforementioned saying about the one-armed whore. This one is better used if you find yourself in mixed company and the one-armed whore is off limits.
• 'I'm gonna shit in your cantaloupe patch."- Well, um, yeah, basically means I'm going to rock your world, in a bad way. Let's move on.
• "His asshole's puckered inside out."- That was a phrase often used by my dear mother to describe a cheapskate.
• "I gotta piss like a Georgia racehorse."- I hear this almost daily from my dad. "Why does the racehorse has to be from Georgia?" you ask. I've spent 20 years asking myself the same question.
• "They're shittin' in high cotton now."- Meaning someone is now pretty fancy.
• "They were on me like white on rice."- Yeah, I'll let you draw your own conclusions for that one.
• "He's as weird as a $2 bill."- Being as the fact that I've only seen one $2 bill in my 20 years of existence, I'm guessing the person is an odd duck.
• "Actin' like a bull in a china shop."- Meaning you're being extremely clumsy and reckless and if you don't straighten up you can go pick a switch.
• "He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey."- My mother liked using that one when describing someone she thought was full of it. Mouth of a poet, my mother.
• "Mean as a den of rattlesnakes."- This Texan expression is a frequent of mine when describing the rising of my sister in the morning. I'd rather wake up the rattlesnakes.
• "He's dumb as a box of rocks."- Basically, the kid who's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
• "I'll knock you into tomorrow."- This was a term of endearment used by my dad when one of the kids was acting like a fool. Not to shame my dad, but I've yet to see him complete this feat.

There they are! My favorite Texan/Southern expressions. I hope y'all enjoyed my list. Be sure to drop me a comment or send me a message if you have any Texanisms you'd like to add. See y'all next time!