Texan Expressions

Hey y'all, I'm back and ready with my new post. As was mentioned in my original post, I'm from Texas. Now if you met me for just a few moments, it's not obvious that I'm from the South. With my aversion to Wranglers and cowboy boots, new age country music, and my lack of an accent, my Southern roots aren't entirely obvious. Only the fact that ma'am/sir, y'all, and a hilarious assortment of colorful Texan expressions show where my heritage lies. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride as I take y'all through some of the best Texan/Southern expressions.

• "I'm as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs."- If this one doesn't make perfect sense, allow me to explain. The rocking chairs would smash the cat's tail, thus the cat in question would be a neurotic mess in a room filled with the Devil chairs.
• "It's rainin' harder than a cow peeing on a flat rock."- This is my personal favorite, and I use it as often as possible. It has a classical poetic quality that makes it timeless.
• "I'm fixin' to."- I'd be willing to say that Fixin' is the state verb of Texas. It has no real definition, but every true native Texan has uttered this phrase. Loosely translated, Fixin' means "about to".
• "Drunker than Cooter Brown."- This is a bit of an older expression, but that doesn't make it any less great. It's a fancy way of saying someone got plastered. I love it because it has the word cooter in it.
• "I'm as bored as a stripper in a nursing home."- I first heard this gem from one of my cousins and it stuck with me ever since. The quote is pretty self-explanatory and I encourage you to use it.
• "It's hotter than Hell's playground."- Another treasure from my cousin, this expression is all too true in Texas, where temperatures can easily top 100. I use this saying at least 5 times a day during the summer months.
• "You'd argue with a signpost and kick it for not arguing back."- I'm not sure if this expression is strictly Southern, but it fits, so it's on my list. This was frequently heard spewing from my mother's lips in reference to me. I have to say, the woman was right.
• "Movin' slower than molasses on a cold morning."- This is another older expression, but I use it constantly, usually in reference to my dad, who hasn't gotten in a rush in about 15 years.
• "Shittin' like a pet coon."- I've never heard this crown jewel outside of my own family, so I'm assuming that it may be a Denny family secret (was a secret). This tidbit came from my father who, as a youth, had a pet raccoon. And as you may have gathered, the raccoon empty his bowels in a most unpleasant fashion, thus creating the most classic of the Texan expressions.
• "I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry."- A.K.A. I'm going to beat the hell out of you and you have no way to stop me. Both of my parents would fling these warm words at me when I was misbehaving (which was never).
• "What's that got to do with the price of onions in Guatemala?"- Basically meaning, what's that got to do with the current subject at hand.
• "I'm busier than a one-armed whore on hand-job day." I had a friend say that to me once, and I almost snorted sweet tea out of my nose. The accuracy of the expression is incredible.
• "Busier than a one-armed paper hanger."- This is an ancient variant of the aforementioned saying about the one-armed whore. This one is better used if you find yourself in mixed company and the one-armed whore is off limits.
• 'I'm gonna shit in your cantaloupe patch."- Well, um, yeah, basically means I'm going to rock your world, in a bad way. Let's move on.
• "His asshole's puckered inside out."- That was a phrase often used by my dear mother to describe a cheapskate.
• "I gotta piss like a Georgia racehorse."- I hear this almost daily from my dad. "Why does the racehorse has to be from Georgia?" you ask. I've spent 20 years asking myself the same question.
• "They're shittin' in high cotton now."- Meaning someone is now pretty fancy.
• "They were on me like white on rice."- Yeah, I'll let you draw your own conclusions for that one.
• "He's as weird as a $2 bill."- Being as the fact that I've only seen one $2 bill in my 20 years of existence, I'm guessing the person is an odd duck.
• "Actin' like a bull in a china shop."- Meaning you're being extremely clumsy and reckless and if you don't straighten up you can go pick a switch.
• "He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey."- My mother liked using that one when describing someone she thought was full of it. Mouth of a poet, my mother.
• "Mean as a den of rattlesnakes."- This Texan expression is a frequent of mine when describing the rising of my sister in the morning. I'd rather wake up the rattlesnakes.
• "He's dumb as a box of rocks."- Basically, the kid who's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
• "I'll knock you into tomorrow."- This was a term of endearment used by my dad when one of the kids was acting like a fool. Not to shame my dad, but I've yet to see him complete this feat.

There they are! My favorite Texan/Southern expressions. I hope y'all enjoyed my list. Be sure to drop me a comment or send me a message if you have any Texanisms you'd like to add. See y'all next time!

Favorite Villains

Hey everybody, welcome to my third blog post. In this post, I'm going to give a run down of my top 10 favorite movie villains. Now some of these characters come from other media, but today I'm going to just be focusing on the movie versions. I've always been more drawn to villains. The heroes in many movies can be, well, rather dull and irritating. They're sanctimonious and usually loved by all. The villains got to play by their own rules. They got the better costumes, the catchy villain songs, the most awesome lairs, and their henchmen were usually pretty cool too. That's enough backstory, roll with the villains! Warning: Spoilers.


10. Grand High Witch- To kick off our list, we're starting with the Grand High Witch played by Angelica Huston in the movie The Witches. The plot revolves around a young boy who stumbles upon a witch convention while he is on vacation. For his troubles, he gets transformed into a mouse by the Grand High Witch. The GHW is pretty fearsome throughout the movie. Her public form is that of a beautiful, aristocratic woman, but when in the privacy of her peers, her form is completely grotesque. Ancient, leathery skin, impossibly long fingers and nose, a hunchback, and wicked eyes. Her mastermind plan is to systematically eliminate all children by mixing the mouse potion into sweets. Her plan is undone when the GHW find herself transformed into a rat by eating soup contaminated with the potion. She is eventually pinned underneath a water glass and chopped up by a knife. I love the GHW because she's very straightforward in her motives, she just hates kids.

9. Viktor- Next on the list is Viktor from the Underworld franchise portrayed by Bill Nighy. At the beginning of the film, the audience is under the impression that Viktor is a saintly vampire elder, when is reality he's a manipulative tyrant. Over the course of the first movie, Viktor slowly shows his true colors. With the protagonist, Selene, awakening him from hibernation far ahead of schedule, it throws the entire coven into chaos. Despite Selene's unwavering loyalty to her lord, Viktor's heinous acts against Selene's family are finally revealed. Viktor is a racist obsessed with keeping the vampire bloodline pure from any Lycan influence, even previously having his daughter sentenced to death over it. Viktor meets his untimely end by having half of his head sliced cleanly off by Selene with his own sword. Viktor is a great villain because there's almost something there that the audience can sympathize with. Almost. He wants the vampires to stay on top, but he goes about it in every wrong way.

8. Winifred "Winnie" Sanderson- Next up is Winnie Sanderson from the comedy film Hocus Pocus played by Bette Midler. The premise of the movie is that after being dead for nearly 300 years, the wicked Sanderson sisters are accidentally resurrected by a group of unknowing teenagers. The witches' entire purpose in life is to suck the life out of children, literally. Winnie is the leader of the sisters and arguably the most powerful. Equipped with a mountain of red hair, buck teeth, long talons, and electrokinesis she makes for a formidable foe. She alternates between being a great source of comic relief and being quite deadly. Winnie's death is brought about by falling from her broomstick onto hollowed ground, turning to stone, and exploding. I feel for Winnie, really, I do. She just wants to stay young and active, nothing wrong with that. Not to mention, the poor woman is surrounded by idiots. If that's not enough to pity her I don't know what is.

7. Mystique- Mystique is the next villain on my list. Mystique is a character in the popular X-Men series. She is portrayed first by Rebecca Romijn and then by Jennifer Lawrence. Because Romijn's portrayal of the character is more villainous I'll be talking about that one. Mystique has the incredible power of shapeshifting, she can morph into anyone and even mimic their voice. She is also revealed to be very skilled in hand-to-hand combat and a brilliant strategist. The source of Mystique's villainy mostly stems from the fact that she simply opposes the X-Men. She, along with the rest of the Brotherhood of Mutants, believe that mutants are superior to humans and that they should become the dominant beings. Mystique participates in kidnapping, murder, and a failed plot to mutate many world leaders, among other things. Mystique ends up being shot with a dart containing a mutant cure and subsequently becomes that which she hates the most. Mystique is my favorite character in this series because she knows what she wants and she goes for it. She's cunning and resourceful, and she gets the job done. What more could you ask for?

6. Poison Ivy- Poison Ivy is a recurring villain in the life of Batman. The main movie that she is present in is Batman and Robin where she is brought to life by Uma Thurman. Poison Ivy is one the top eco-terrorists in the world. She uses a variety of botanical substances to commit crimes, usually aimed at protecting plant life. Armed with poison lips and pheromones, she is one of Batman's most deadly enemies. Poison Ivy is ultimately thwarted in a plot she hatched with fellow villain Mr. Freeze in an attempt to take over the world. In a duel with Batgirl, Poison Ivy is kicked into a large floral throne and trapped. She is later imprisoned at Arkham Asylum. Poison Ivy is the ultimate femme fatale and I love that about her. What man wouldn't risk death to kiss those poison lips?

5. White Witch- The White Witch is the main villain in the film The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. Tilda Swinton breathes life into this villainess. The WW is a sorceress that has taken over Narnia and plunged it into an eternal winter. The Witch's wand is her most powerful weapon. With it she has the ability to turn beings into pure stone. Despite from being highly adept at magic, the WW is also shown to be highly skilled in combat, shown by her expert dueling in swordfights. The White Witch dies when Aslan attacks her during battle. Tilda Swinton's portrayal of the WW was fantastic to me. She's got those wicked looking eyes that stare straight into your soul and make you cringe.

4. Dracula- There have been so many incarnations of Dracula that it's really difficult to pick just one. In this case, I'll just chose the one that started it all, Bela Lugosi's portrayal of Dracula. Dracula is the perfect villain. He's suave, sophisticated, and rich. Not to mention, he's a total lady killer (I'm sorry, it was too good to pass up). Dracula is fond of preying on young, innocent girls and either turning them into vampires or simply killing them. By the end of the film, Dracula has almost completely turned the young Mina into one of the undead. Dracula is finally stopped when Van Helsing impales him with a wooden stake. Dracula is the ultimate bachelor: he goes out every night, paints the town red, and always brings home a different woman. He's kind of my role model.

3. Elle Driver- Elle Driver is an assassin in the popular Kill Bill series, she is portrayed by actress Daryl Hannah. Elle Driver is a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. Elle is ruthless, cold, cunning, and has no morals or scruples. She participates in the merciless slaughter of the entire wedding party at the Bride's nuptial ceremony. What makes Elle such a great villain is that she has no redeeming qualities, she is rotten to the core. Her skills include mastery of martial arts, proficiency with a samuraiai sword,  and sarcasm. Not to mention, she rocks a completely wicked looking eyepatch. When the Bride and Elle finally square off, the Bride rips out Elle's remaining good eye, rendering her completely blind. It is unknown if Elle may have actually survived, but since she was completely blinded while locked in a trailer housing one of the world's deadliest snakes in the middle of nowhere, her odds aren't looking too good. But hey, I'm rooting that she escaped somehow.

2. Bellatrix Lestrange- Where do I even begin here? Bellatrix Lestrange is a recurring villain in the incredibly successful Harry Potter series. Helena Bonham Carter plays this deliciously deranged villainess. Bellatrix is the top Death Eater, second-in-command to Voldemort himself. Equipped with her wand, she's almost unstoppable. She's been seen to subdue three wizards within a matter of seconds and her dueling skills are legendary. Bellatrix is fond of playing with her victims before finally killing them. Whether torturing them with a curse, or taunting them with memories of victims she has previously murdered. Bellatrix comes to a tragic end when she is killed in a duel with Molly Weasley.

1. Maleficent- Bam! The end of the list! Maleficent is the top villain on my list because, well, she's a complete badass. Now, to clear things up, I'm talking about the old school, animated version of the villain voiced by the amazing Eleanor Audley in Disney's Sleeping Beauty. Maleficent is a dark fairy of incredible power. She is even the self-proclaimed "Mistress of All Evil". It's kind of hard to top that one on an evil resume. Her powers include, but certainly aren't limited to: teleporting, casting curses and spells, shooting electric blasts from her staff, conjuring thorn walls, and transforming herself into a dragon. Maleficent is sadly killed when she and Prince Phillip are battling. Phillip, with the help of the three good (meddlesome) fairies, throws his sword into Maleficent which causes her to fall from a cliff and die. Maleficent has always been my favorite villain. She's got a staff, a pet to do her bidding, and a tremendous chip on her shoulder. She casts a vicious curse all because she wasn't invited to a christening, talk about holding a grudge. Not to mention, her voice is so deadly and enchanting that you can't help but like her.

There you have it, my top 10 favorite movie villains. Hope y'all enjoyed my list. If you have anything you'd like to comment, add, or a question to ask, be sure to drop me a comment or send me a message. See y'all next time!

Pale People Probs

Hey everyone, here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for, my second blog post. Calm down, it's okay, I know you're happy. The topic of this post, as you can see, is pale people problems. As can be seen from my profile picture, I am rocking that milky skin complexion. Being pale is more than a skin type, it's a way of life. With this society obsessed with the sun and tanning beds, I'd like to give you all a peek into what it's like being the kid that has to stay in the shade for fear of being roasted alive. Following will be a list of the top Pale People Probs. Here we go:


1. Sunlight- This one is rather obvious. The whole reason we are pale is because the sun is our mortal enemy. Laying out on a warm day just isn't possible for us. Being burnt to a crisp is unpleasant and is avoided at all costs. We would rather retreat to the shadows and wallow in SPF 100.
2. Flash Photography- This is the enemy of any pale person. We can't emphasize how bad this is on us. It never fails when someone wants us to lean into a picture and then the bright flash of doom appears. Once the photo appraisals begin, you find that you resemble a specter. Moral of the story: be kind to pale people and take off the frigging flash.
3. Blushing- No one hates this as much as me. Everyone blushes, this is true. But when your face looks like a bucket of fresh milk, the sudden rise of color in the cheeks is especially noticeable. Blushing in the first place can make an awkward situation ever more embarrassing, but then to hear, "Oh god, look how red you're turning!" really just rubs salt in the wound. Personally, even when something doesn't really bother me, my cheeks still flare and make matters worse.
4. White Clothing- Wearing white is simply not an option for the fair folk. We are either so pale that we look like Casper trying to make a new friend, or we just scare people. Or, if you're a little off-white like me, it just makes you look sick. White clothing is not our friend. (On the flip side, black clothing can make us look like an illegitimate member of the Addams Family. We really have to watch what we're doing.)
5. Blinding Others- Yes, this happens. I can't tell you how many times I have walked outside with my friends and hear, "Dear god! My eyes! Damn Zach!" I almost feel bad. Almost. But for pale people that have more of a conscience than me, unintentionally harming others can weigh on them. We can hurt people with our skin, what's your super power?
6. Accused of Being a Vampire- This has happened to me...4 times. 4 times people. With vampires being as popular as they are in the media these days, I guess it's natural for people to assume that the creatures really do walk among us. We hate to disappoint y'all, but we're just as human and mediocre as you are. On the plus side, we always have an easy Halloween costume to fall back on.
7. Acne- Holy SPF Batman! This has to be the worst. Acne sucks, let's be real. I myself struggle with it on a daily basis. When you're tanner though, acne isn't quite as noticeable. But when your skin is the same shade as paper, those little acne volcanoes start to look a whole lot bigger. It's not a pretty sight.
8. Being Told to Go Tanning- Sigh. If only it were that simple. You see, tan counterparts, we pale peeps can't just "go tan" like you can. As I discussed in Reason 1, it can be downright painful to be out in the sun. If we could tan, I'm quite sure we would. But no matter how many times you throw this completely idiotic piece of advice our way, it still won't work.
9. Glowing Under a Black Light- This has happened to me. It's too sad to make up. This isn't one of the worst aspects to being one of the proud and ghostly, but it certainly sucked at the time. During my first and only time playing laser tag in a black lit arena, my teammates were shocked and dismayed to find that my skin glowed. So I basically became a shining target for the enemy to act like they were Scarface and begin shooting me until they had enough points to win. Needless to say, I've had better outings.
10. Being Asked if We're Feeling Well- I hate this. I absolutely hate it. I don't know how many times I get asked a week if I'm feeling alright because I "look pale". Yes, thanks for the concern, but I'm in tip top shape. When I start turning other colors, then be concerned.


All in all, be kind to we the Pale People. We didn't choose the Pale Life, it chose us. Don't force us to come play in the sun, but let us roam free in the shadows with our multiple bottles of sunscreen.


Thanks for reading everyone. I hope you enjoyed my post. Feel free to drop me a comment or send me a message if you have anything to add about the struggles of being pale.